EVERYTHING WRONG WITH RISE OF THE GUARDIANS

EVERYTHING WRONG WITH RISE OF THE GUARDIANS (SPOILERS...DUH)

1. Dream Works takes a childhood book series and almost completely changes it from the source material to make as awesome as possible cliché

1. His name is Jack, and he froze to death in a body of water to save a girl he loved...was he on a sinking ocean liner, or am I thinking of someone else?

2. Dream Works character acquires more fan girls in five seconds than Taylor Lautner taking his shirt off

1. 300 years later? You mean this main character we just met with an inner struggle we can all relate to did nothing of any particular interest in 300 years, besides rack up the naughty list record?

2. Santa Claus is now Russian

3. Wow, these elves are creepy as f*#@

4. Santa can carve all of that with ice? Man, I wish he'd bring some of that stuff to me...all I got as a kid was a stocking full of gum, this guy's got some serious explaining to do.

5. North: “How many times have I told you to knock?” Even if he had knocked, the train was headed straight for the door anyway.

6. Why does North grab his sword if he thinks it's just something wrong with the globe?

7. North: “What is this?” It looks to me, like either the light bulbs on the globe need replacing, or someone forgot to pay the power bill.

8. Holy crap, is that Venom?

9. Dem Santa eyes

10. The Guardians' homing signal is activated by the Teseract

11. Hugh Jackrabbit

12. Bunny: “Not exactly? Can you believe this guy?” No, and quite frankly I can't believe your voice acting in this scene.

13. Guardian pissing contest

14. North: “Why are rabbits always so nervous?” If by always, you mean Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh, then sure.

15. What was Manny using to cast that shadow?

16. To choose a new Guardian, Manny has to consult the crystal of Atlantis

17. Bunny: “Jack Frost is many things, but he is not a Guardian.” I'm sorry, can we please cut to a certain scene in How to Train Your Dragon for a quick second? Stoick: “Oh, you are many things, Hiccup. But a dragon killer is not one of them.” Thank You.

18. Meanwhile, in Russia...

19. Why did Jack update to a modern blue hoody, but keep the original pants?

20. Wow, Jack is a d*ck to Russians

21. Looks like Jack's the one who's one with the wind and sky...that's right, I said it

22. Jamie: “It says here they found big foot hair samples, and DNA...in Michigan! That's like super close!” Not really, there's the Great Lakes and Ohio in between Michigan Pennsylvania.

23. Also, Dream Works looses 10 Buckeye points for mentioning Michigan

24. Oh look, it's Eep's 3,000^th generation grand daughter

25. Jack seems pretty happy that he just nearly sent a kid face first into a stone statue

26. I see Jack went to the Wall-E school of running your hand through a beam of light

27. Powerful bad guy needs to manipulate good guy's powers to create his own army.

28. I know it's a play on words, but the Nightmares couldn't be a little more, you know...nightmare-ish?

29. I see Bunnymund went to the Batman school of rushing through the shadows.

30. Bunny: “It's been a long time, mate. Blizzard of '68, I believe.” Which '68? He's been Jack Frost for three centuries, there's at most 3 options on what year '68 is referring to.

31. Am I the only one who would've loved to see an origin story about when Jack and Bunny became frenemies?

32. Oh, so that's how I keep finding dandelions in the middle of the sidewalk...

33. Tooth fetish

34. Dude, Jack... what'd that little elf do to you?

35. North: “But, no matter, we overlook. Now, we are wiping clean the slate.” Why do I get the feeling those tattoos were incorporated into North's design solely for that one joke?

36. North: “You see you cannot say no, it is destiny.” He's freaking Santa Claus, why does he try to sound so dramatic and prophetic through this whole thing?

37. Guardian pissing contest #2

38. If the elves don't make the toys, what do they do around the workshop besides get in the way and have Despicable Me Minion slapstick?

39. Seriously, if Santa is so real, then why didn't I get stuff like this for Christmas growing up?

40. North: “I don't like it, paint it red!” Wow, North sounded like a brat right there.

41. The innuendos going into this interrogation scene are simply innumerable.

42. North: “It is my center. What is yours?” I think you meant to say “What's in your wallet?”

43. Bunny: “We got a problem, mate. Trouble at the Tooth Palace.” Wow, that emotional moment sure ended quickly

44. Wait, bunnies have claws?

45. Jack gets a small flying sidekick who's a fairy...as if we weren't already thinking 'Peter Pan'

46. North uses a sword against a flying horse made entirely out of sand

47. Working fictional characters into causing historical events cliché

48. Wow, Bunny's got a serious flare for ruining the moment

49. OK, Dream Works, you did the hero freezing the lake as they walk across thing first too. I said it, happy?

50. Also, if the tooth palace is a magic location, shouldn't the water be immune to change from other Guardians' magic or something?

51. Tooth: “We're counting 7 continents, millions of kids...” Unless penguins suddenly started having teeth, there's only 6 continents you need to worry about.

52. Dream Works recycles Asian building designs from Kung Fu Panda

53. Dream Works recycles camera work for a roof top chase...also from Kung Fu Panda

54. Chimney portals

55. Tooth seems to have an unexplained Spidey sense for teeth

56. Tooth Fairy just happens to run into an ad for tooth paste

57. Why does every kid in this movie seem to have that toy robot?

58. Looney Tunes inspired tooth race slap stick

59. Bad guy's minion conveniently spies on the heroes and exploits their plan to the villain cliché

60. Wait, Pitch lives in the sewers?

61. Is it just me, or does it seem like Pitch can only speak in foreshadowing threats?

62. Guardian pissing contest #3

63. Jack is clearly visible from Jamie's perspective when he first turns on the flashlight.

64. OK, Santa and The Easter Bunny I buy, but there's no way in hell a kid would've guessed on the first try that she was the Tooth Fairy.

65. There is no way a four year old would've guessed that that was a bunny

66. Do these snow globes react to just certain key words?

67. If Sandman could change nightmares into good things the whole time, why didn't he just do that instead of trying to kill them later? It'd sure help them in a fight.

68. I see Sandy went to the Batman school of sneaking up on bad guys

69. Are you kidding me with this scythe?

70. Dream Works rips of the “Hulk VS Loki” scene form The Avengers

71. Dude, they're horses made of sand...they're not exactly Orcs.

72. Driving under the influence of dream sand joke

73. Hero loses his key weapon in the middle of a fight cliché

74. Dream Works rips off the Coulson murder scene from The Avengers

75. Hero wins the fight by using a power they never knew they had cliché

76. Residential tough guy is still capable of shedding tears cliché

77. Bunny: “Hey, buck up, ya sad sacks. We can still turn this around. Easter is tomorrow.” Tomorrow? You were just complaining about North calling you in three days before Easter...was there a time jump I missed somewhere?

78. Egg tikkis

79. Egg tikkis have Lego figure mood faces

80. Magical snowflake gives Bunnymund a stoned face

81. Also...not even the Guardians are immune to Jack's powers?

82. Is it just me, or does Hugh Jackman make what's supposed to sound like an inspirational speech sound like a villain's monologue?

83. Bunny: “There will be spring time on every continent!” Again, not every continent celebrates Easter, nor do they all have spring at the exact same time.

84. North: “OK, that's a little strange.” Yes, the guy who's supposed to have eyes that see only the wonder in everything and has an infestation of creepy minions finds walking eggs strange. Dream Works, damn it!

85. Where was Emily's voice coming from? Was Pitch activating Jack's box right then?

86. And even if he was, there's no way her voice would've carried through Pitch's lair, out the entrance, through the forest, into the city and to Jack's ear drum that loudly.

87. Ha ha, Pitch lives under a bed

88. If Pitch didn't plan on releasing those fairies, why did he leave them just hanging in those cages? He didn't think anyone would come and try to free them?

89. Wow, Tooth's memory box artist needs to be fired, that looks nothing like him.

90. We now give you the scene that inspired the Pitch-x-Elsa ship

91. W-w-w-w-whoa, wait a minute! You mean to tell me that the adults, who don't actually believe in the Easter Bunny didn't hide any eggs for these kids to find? Who organizes these things?

92. Bunnymund was just having a Toy Story moment about Jamie seeing him at night, and now he's walking straight out into the open? What the hell happened to consistency!?

93. Bunny holds back his fist after realizing that this is one Hugh Jackman character who doesn't have claws in his knuckles.

94. Dream Works rips off the Green Goblin's team up attempt scene from Sam Raimi's Spider-Man.

95. Pitch: “Look at what we can do.” What? All I see is the fountain freezing effect from Frozen. Hey, wait a minute...

96. Pitch: “What goes better together than cold and dark?” Dream Works creates a tag line for both versions of the Black Ice ship.

97. Where was Pitch keeping baby Tooth this whole time?

98. Jack: “Now let her go.” Oh, very poor choice of words.

99. Villain justifies breaking a promise by using the hero's words against them cliché.

100. Jack's staff has the same weakness as Master Oogway's staff from Kung Fu Panda

101. That fall should have killed him.

102. Pitch throws Jack's staff down next to him because the story demands it for his escape.

103. Wow, Jack used to dress a hell of a lot like Hiccup.

104. Convenient random stick laying on the ice is convenient

105. Come on, he couldn't have swam out of that lake? The water was warm enough for the ice to crack, he wouldn't have froze to death that quickly.

106. For his excited tone over his memory, Jack's expression could be a little less indifferent, don't you think?

107. Jack conveniently knows exactly how to repair his damaged staff within like fifteen seconds...and you thought the great thaw was a bit rushed.

108. Wow, how convenient that Jack and Pitch are both looking at magic models of the globe at the exact same time.

109. You can't tell me that not even one adult on the whole planet hid eggs for their kids to find on Easter, come on!

110. Either this kid really believes, or North's Snapper needs replacing.

111. Eh, Elsa's still better at bringing snow to life. Just sayin'.

112. Why would Jamie guess Jack Frost after only ever hearing about the guy once in his life?

113. North: “Is official...my powers are kaput.” Wait, what powers do you have again?

114. Guardian bro-bonding eye contact moment

115. Pitch: “That little trick doesn't work on me... anymore!” Boy, that escalated quickly.

116. Wait, Jack's eyes and hair changed color, but not his eyebrows? What, did Manny run out of white hair alleles or something?

117. If all it took was a snowflake to the nose to see him, why couldn't Jamie see him earlier during that first snowball fight?

118. Also, these kids' parents didn't think to wake up and ask them where the hell they were going in the middle of the night?

119. Jack: “We're gonna have a little fun instead...That's it! That's my center!” Wait...What is? That sentence? I don't get it...

120. Dream Works rips off the New Yorkers rallying together against Doctor Octopus scene from Spider-Man 2

121. I know they have a reason to be scared, but come on, it's a wall of freaking SAND, people!

122. Guardians regain their powers after being exposed to faith, trust, and pixie dust.

123. So, wait, it was Sandy's dream sand keeping them powerful this whole time?

124. Wait, North didn't even say a location before throwing them down...what, is the north pole like the portal's default setting?

125. Also, I'm sure those yetis were just waiting around in formation for North to maybe throw those portals down and probably call them in for a fight...you know, just in case.

126. OK, I get how North could go into the tunnel, but how did Bunny get into the chimney portal system?

127. So, wait a second...Sandy wasn't actually dead? He was just fused into the nightmare sand? Oh, next thing you know, you'll be telling me Coulson's alive and just went to the ICU in The Bahamas...oh, wait...

128. You've been a naughty boy, Pitch.

129. We just beat Pitch...let's celebrate with a snowball fight and dinosaurs.

130. North: “Your center?” Jack: “Well...it took a while. But I figured it out.” You...don't wanna say exactly what it is for clarity maybe?

131. North:”Bunny! Think fast!” BAM! Head shot!

132. I see North went to the Batman school of popping up in the bad guy's path unexpectedly.

133. Dream Works rips off the Hades being dragged into the underworld scene from Hercules.

134. Dude, just kiss her already! It's not like Elsa's gonna know. (Man alive, why do I keep referencing Frozen?)

135. So, wait is that the same lake he died in 300 years ago? Is that what we're doing, a sort of irony thing?

136. Well, I guess as long as this one kid I barely know approves, then sure.

137. Ha ha, the European kiss on the cheek custom.

138. Seriously? We're going for the ET “I'll always be right here.” thing?

139. Jack voice over: “So the next time the moon tells you something...believe it.” Yeah, because if the moon is talking to you, you're perfectly sane and sober!

140. Eh, Elsa's snow flake was still cooler. (Damn it!)

TOTAL SIN COUNT: 140

SENTENCE: ...PAINT IT BLUE!

North: I don't like it, paint it red!

THANKS FOR READING! STAY AWESOME!