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EVERYTHING WRONG WITH BRAVE (SPOILERS...DUH)
Pixar follows the Disney trend of one worded adjectives for titles
Pixar's first Princess film is also only it's 3rd movie to have a rating higher than G...true story
Elinor: “Where's m' little birthday girl, hmm?” Opening on a close encounter with the villain that happened on the Princess's birthday cliché
Elinor's hair is in two braids and she has a white streak going down the right side...sound like any recent Disney Princess franchise additions?
Young Merida: “I missed.” Adorable line from Merida is adorable
The spanking joke wasn't appropriate for kids in The Incredibles, and it really isn't here
Well, I see Merida went to the Jake Sulley school of getting distracted in a forest
It's really not safe to be running after something with an arrow in your hand...especially when that arrow is almost bigger than you are
Where exactly were the wisps leading a five or six year old girl?
Main character gets called back to their family while exploring a magical anomaly cliché
Guy who's arch nemesis is an enchanted being ironically doesn't even believe in magic cliché
Elinor: “Your father doesn't believe in magic.” Merida: “Well he should, cause it's true.” Really, Pixar? We're teaching kids that sorcery exists?
There is no way that none of these guys saw Mor'Du before Merida screamed
Wow, for a beast who's supposedly set only on destruction, it was awfully polite of Mor'Du to wait patiently before doing any actual damage while Elinor and Merida ride off to safety
Mor'Du wasn't even really doing anything when he showed up...in fact, the one who started the fight was Fergus
Dramatically cutting to the next scene as the towering beast slashes at the screen cliché
How to Train Your Dragon style main character voice over during a fly over shot of the landscape. I'll give it to you this one time, Dream Works. Happy now?
Merida Voice Over: “The story of how my father lost his leg to the demon bear; Mor'Du became legend.” Which, you're not gonna get any precise details about, except for when I rudely interrupt yet another telling of the story later.
Nobody touches the leg
OK, so we know why Fergus has a chip on his shoulder with Mor'Du now, but why did it seem like he and the bear were sworn enemies before the whole opening scene happened?
Merida Voice Over: “I became a sister, to three brothers, the princes. Wee devils, more like. They get away with murder.” Yeah, that's kind of what happens when your dad is the King.
Why was Merida randomly standing in front of the closed gate while eating an apple?
Quickly paced montage to illustrate the main character's point cliché
In the whole first five minutes of Merida's dialogue, only like 5% of it is actually Merida herself speaking on screen
Male character getting attacked by a small animal is funny cliché
Merida Voice Over: “But once in a while, there's a day where I don't have to be a princess.” Which is what day...exactly? Is it your birthday again?
I see Merida went to the Flynn Rider school of getting around a castle
This song is empowering enough to inspire a snail to jump into a pool of salt
Pixar does something they literally haven't done since Toy Story, by having a main character's song that's never actually sung by the main character
Merdia's horseback archery skills makes Clint Barton look like a first year Cub Scout shooting day camp archery with a PVC bow
If princess training takes up so much of her time, how did she have time to memorize a horse riding route, perfect her horse riding and archery skills, and put up targets at different points on the route?
Oh yeah, I'm sure that water from the falls is totally OK to drink without at least getting a stomachache
I see Merida went to the Rocky Balboa school of victory dances
Isn't it dangerous to be dancing on top of the Crone's tooth like that?
Well, I'm glad you showed her climbing the cliffs, but how the hell did she get down after wards? I take it back, this song right here just might have the Disney record for time jumps...OK, so it doesn't, but still...
She's the princess...it's not like she'd get in trouble for taking a whole tray of pies from the kitchen
Merida: “Then, CHOMP! Dad's leg was clean off! Down th' monster's throat it went.” Fergus: “Aw, that's m' fav'rite part!” Old timer's favorite part of a story is when he gets wounded cliché
Merida: “Mordu has never been seen since.” The villain has never been seen since cliché
Merida: “And he's still roaming the wilds, waiting for his chance of revenge.” Revenge for what? He's the one who bit your dad's leg off. It's not like Fergus ever did anything to him...at least not that we, as an audience, know of.
Also, call me crazy, but I find it hard to believe that this supposed demon bear just up and left the entire scene after partially disabling his opponent
Elinor: “What did you do, dear?” Merida: (sighs) “Nothing...” Main character says something impressive and dangerous they did, but the parent is too busy with something to hear it cliché
Elinor: “Fergus, would you look at your daughter's plate?” Fergus: “...so what?” Wow, Pixar's disregarding portion control now? Are they really that Anti-Obama?
If Fergus was so concerned about his leg getting a little scratched by an opponent's sword, why is he now egging his dogs on to chew on it?
Did Maudie's first shot in the scene really have to be positioned like this? It's Pixar for crying out loud...
Merida: “Whaaaaaat...did I do now?” Elinor: “Your father has something to discuss with you.” Wow, that spit take gives us two adult jokes already, and we're not even half way through the film.
They're already competing for her marriage? She's not even an adult yet, she's like what, 16? Well, I guess I can't really complain about that, since it's set in like 13th century Scotland (I don't know exactly when it's set...sue me)
Princess doesn't want to be forced to get married cliché
Merida's got some serious anger issues if she's sliced up her bed post this many times with her sword.
How convenient that the chess pieces were carved to look exactly like the characters of the story.
Elinor: “Once, there was an ancient kingdom.” Story starts out in an ancient kingdom cliché
Elinor: “It's name, long forgotten.” Nobody remembers the name of the legend's location cliché
Seriously, who didn't see this legend ending up as Mor'Du's origin story?
Conversation between two characters who aren't even in the same room cliché
Giving her everything you never had? You were the f&^%ing prince and princess!
Is Angus just the next Maximus?
Is it just me or does this scene of the arrival of the clans have a serious “Goblet of Fire” vibe going on?
Are you kidding me with this body paint?
There is no way that all of Merida's hair would fit under that dress
Girl in a tight dress says she can't breathe cliché
Woman observing said dress humorously still says it's perfect cliché
Wow...way to set us up for a heart warming mother daughter moment and totally cop out, Pixar. I got my feels ready and everything
Merida invented the Superman hair swirl
Guard: “I'd like to announce the arrival, of the lords...” Yes, that was Ham the piggy bank's voice.
Woman is more prepared for the event than the man, and has to save him from looking stupid cliché
Clan leader pissing contest
Man eggs on the fight only to be rebuked by a single look from a woman cliché
Woman breaks up a fight simply by walking through cliché
Woman humorously drags grown men by the ear cliché
How convenient that there's not one, but two loop holes in the rules that technically let Merida compete
They let the hand of the Princess go to the guy who wins at one sole event? What, have they never heard of best two out of three?
Merida: “Oh, that's attractive.” If she thinks that's bad, let her watch an episode of Marriage Boot Camp
Underdog competitor gets the best score by complete accident cliché
Part 2 of Lord Dingwal's victory dance...You know, for kids!
I see Merida went to the Batman school of off screen disappearances
Merida: “I am Merida, first born descendant of Clan Dun Broch, and I'll be shooting for my own hand.” Now legal in several US States
I see Merida went to the Jennifer Walters school of ripping dresses
Come on, we all new the Robin Hood thing was gonna happen eventually
Also, Merida's a jerk to other people's arrows
IN.YOUR.FACE...literally
Merida: “I would rather DIE than be like you!” We all have or will say this to our parents at one point in our lives
Also, Merida's really skilled with that sword if she was able to slice that thin line between their hands without even looking
She's the princess, it's not like she couldn't get a new bow anyway
Elinor: “Oh no...what have I done?” Other than give us another piece of “breaking the bond” symbolism, really nothing.
Where exactly was she going when she mounted Angus? Was she running away? Did she need to clear her head? Either way, it sure worked out for stumbling upon that weird, Scottish Stone henge.
Despite obviously having never been to that part of the forest, Angus automatically takes Merida straight to the ring of stones, because the story demands it
Why couldn't Angus go through the stones? Was there some kind of barrier that blocks out animals? A little explanation here would be nice, Pixar...just sayin'
Crafty Carver: “I'm not a witch! Too many unsatisfied customers!” You...do know that doesn't change your species, right?
Wow...that is some customer evacuation method
Merida: “I want a spell to change my mom...that'll change my fate.” Um, she's a bear obsessed witch, Mer, I think a little clarification on what exactly “change my mom” meant would've been useful.
It's only the eye of the newt that's supposed gets thrown in...not the whole thing
Terminator tart cake
Merida: “You're sure, if I give this to my mom, it will change my fate?” Crafty Carver: “Oh, trust me. It'll do the trick, dearie.” Wow, the vagueness in this conversation is overwhelming.
Magical being disappears before giving the hero a key piece of information cliché
Did we really need this montage of Merida preparing the cake?
Elinor: “Oh, look at your dress...” What's the problem? You usually pay like $90 for something like this at Urban Outfitters
I'd still rather sit through Fergus' “entertainment” than watch the piece of total bear crap Stephanie Meyer tries to pass off as a love story (no, I am still not saying it)
Ouch! It's bad enough you killed the bear, now you're shooting arrows in his snout?
Sophisticated, collected woman out belches probably every single man in the room cliché
Merida: “So...should I just go tell them the wedding's off, then?” Seriously? Your mom might be dying from an enchanted cake, is that really what you should be worried about right now?
The bear transformation has been taken completely off screen so Pixar can keep what they can of the PG rating
Merida: “I didn't ask her to change you into a bear. I...just wanted her to change...you...” You couldn't have had this epiphany sooner, Princess of Vagueness?
I know she's the queen and everything, but come on, does she really not understand the concept of the castle being full of bear hunters?
Merida: “It's not like anyone's gonna see you!” Except for Maudie, who for the sake of the story, just happens to be walking past right now
Character's accent is so thick no body can understand them cliché
Lord Macintosh: “Oh, here we go. Another hunt through the castle.” They've hunted for bears in the castle before?
Lord Digwal: “He's like a hound with that nose of his.” Hunter has the nose of a dog cliché.
They get her dessert for a whole year? Can't these guys just help her because it's their mom and sister?
I see Hamish, Hewbert and Harris went to the Scooby-Doo school of running from a mob.
How many secret tunnels are in this castle?
Clan leader pissing contest #2
Merida: “Help yerselves to anything ye like as a reward.” Even though she just promised you her dessert for a year
Also, she didn't, I don't know, throw away the super dangerous enchanted cake when she found it again?
And on a third note, this whole room full of food, and they all go for this one little insignificant cake at the same time?
Naked grown man butts
How did Merida find her way back to the stone ring after only being there once?
How come Elinor can be a bear and still go through the apparent invisible animal barrier that kept Angus out earlier? Or does it only block out animals that were born animals, and not humans that were enchanted? A little bit of explanation would seriously be nice here, Pixar.
Merida: “I can't believe I found it!” To be honest, neither can we.
Stupid elaborate security system is stupid elaborate
Damn, this witch has some seriously barbaric security methods
Magic cauldron is an answering machine
Answering machine, an engraving of Sulley, a carving of the Pizza Planet truck, her obsession with bears, Pixar is basically coming out and saying “Hey look, it's Boo!”
Why did the witch set up this answering machine if she expected the intruder to get hit with that flying knife?
Crafty Carver Recorded message: “If you're that red haired lass, vile three.” Does she realize how many red haired girls there are in Scotland?
CC Recorded message: “After the second sunrise, your spell will be permanent.” Why the second sunrise? What, was dusk or midnight too mainstream for ya there, Boo?
Merida: “Fate be changed...mend the bond...what does that mean?” I actually got that pretty easily.
Dude, you just blew up a witch's house/gift shop...I hope for your sake she doesn't hold a grudge
I know it's raining, but why are they going to sleep now? It's like 5:00 in the afternoon, isn't it?
Also, nobody back at the castle noticed that Elinor and Merida were missing overnight and that whole next day?
Merida: “They're nightshade berries...they're poisonous.” Not all nightshade berries are poisonous
Merida: “Where did you get this water? It's got worms!” Eating the worm joke that kids won't get, but adults can have a good, guilty laugh over.
We now interrupt this Pixar movie to bring you “How to Train Your Bear Mom”
Becoming on the inside what you look like on the outside cliché
Queen trapped in a bear's body regresses to a cat chasing a laser pointer dot
For a mystical being in charge of leading you to your fate, this little wisp sure is acting like a pest right now
Merida: “You think this could be the kingdom from the story you were tellin' me?” Oh no, I'm sure this is the ruins of some other ancient lost kingdom that no body remembers the name to
Merida: “The spell...it's happened before.” Uh yeah, the witch kind of hinted at that when she said “The last time I did this was for a prince.”
Merida audibly describes the symbolism that we as an audience are pretty much already seeing
Merida: “Oh no...the prince became...Mor'Du.” Ooooooh, shocker!
Also, seemingly irrelevant legend turns out to be a true story linked to the enemy cliché
So wait, that story about the princes was true? If it's true, then that's not symbolism, everything literally means to be what it is. Forgive me for quoting Doug Walker, but it's like Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland all over again!
For a mindless bear, Mor'Du sure knows how to wait for someone to pause before saying his name to make a dramatic entrance
Let's look at the clues. Witch gives Merida a spell she's given to a prince, spell turns mom into a bear, prince must have also turned into a bear with superhuman strength and endurance, dad's arch nemesis is a bear with super human strength and endurance...how did Merida not piece this together earlier? Is she secretly a blonde or something? Well, I guess it wasn't as obvious as the Tangled thing, but still...
OK, so by now she has to realize that the kingdom fell and Mor'Du's spell stayed because he broke away from his brothers, so restoring their mother-daughter relationship will fix Elinor, right? Merida: “The witch gave us the answer...the tapestry!” Oh my gosh, are you serious?!
Convenient secret castle entrance is convenient
Clan leader pissing contest #3
What happened over the past day that they're now in an all out free-for-all?
Fergus: “None of your lads are fit to marry my daughter!” Lord Dingwal: “Then our alliance is over! This means war!” Wow, talk about a sore loser
Woman breaks up a fight simply by walking through cliché
There is no way that no body behind Merida noticed Elinor giving Merida these cues
No body bothered to look and see what Merida was looking at?
These “memorable” life saving moments are really small in comparison to other war stories I've heard
Merida: “Uhhh...everyone, to the cellar! Let's crack open the king's private reserves to celebrate!” When in doubt, get the whole castle drunk
Bear paw face snuggling fetish
Hulking out at the least convenient moment cliché
Fergus: “Elinor, dear, you'll never believe who just solved our little suitor problem.” It's been an entire day since he's seen her and Fergus is just now checking on Elinor? And on top of that, it's not even to see if she's feeling better? What kind of husband do you call that?
Fergus didn't think to look around Elinor's room for splattered blood, guts, or any discernible signs of a human mutilation?
Five clawed bear gives single clawed arm scratch
Couldn't Merida have just summed her explanation up with “A witch turned mom into a bear.” like she did before?
Disney Princess falls to her knees in despair and breaks down crying into her arms cliché
Brother bears
The bra purse
These people will seriously run away from anything
I see the boys went to the Spongebob school of inexplicably getting into a barricaded room
Disney character uses a frying pan as a weapon cliché
The key diving scene...You know, for kids!
For a girl who doesn't spend very much time sewing, Merida seems very skilled at doing it on horseback.
Elinor randomly runs through the forest and conveniently ends up at the ring of stones for no apparent reason
Why was Mor'Du waiting this long to come out of hiding?
Mor'Du only seems to come into play when there's a chance he might be killed...is the prince still partially in there and just has a Bruce Banner suicide complex?
Hunter onveniently hesitates before delivering the final blow cliché
The Expelliarmus arrow
OK, so that's both parents now that she's gone up against with a sword
Merida's told Fergus three times now that this bear is Elinor. If he won't listen to that, he's just plain boneheaded.
Merida: “Boys!” Fergus: “Boys?” That he believes? Are you f&*$ing serious right now?
Mor'Du seriously has a thing for dramatic entrances
Merida: “Mor'Du...” Yeah, we know who it is. You don't have to say his name dramatically every time he shows up unexpectedly
Fergus: “Kill it!” Boy, that escalated quickly.
The Princess is in some kind of danger cliché
Mor'Du had more than enough time to chomp Merida's head off while Elinor had the cliché last minute burst of strength
Mamma bear don't think so
I think deep down, we all wanted this to come down to a fight between two enchanted bear people
Why was Mor'Du so persistent on focusing his attack on Merida?
Nearly impossible to kill bear has same weakness as the hydra from Hercules
That was too damn close
Wait, was that a thankful nod? Was the prince seriously trying to kill himself to end being trapped as a bear? Does that mean Mor'Du never really meant to hurt anyone, he was just trying to pick a fight to do himself in, but always won because the bear always took over in battle mode like the Hulk? Not to sound like Doug Walker, but it's official, this movie has no villain!
Wisps are actually the souls of dead people
Even though we were just in the middle of the night, the second sunrise is upon us, because the budget just won't let this go much longer
Disney princess says “I love you” just in time to break the curse cliché
Fergus is a total perv
Naked triplet butts
Seriously, how did this get away with a PG rating?
We interrupt this Pixar film to show you cover art for “Mother Bear”
Elinor goes from Pre-Frozen-Ending-Anna to Post-Tangled-Ending-Rapunzel hair styles
For someone who wasn't interested, Wee Dingwal sure is trying hard to win Merida over now
These triplets are freaking ninjas
Ending a Pixar movie with an unresolved friendly competition cliché
Who else but the great and powerful John Lasseter is plastered right under “Executive Producer” spot in the end credits
It took two actresses to voice Maudie
End credit wood carving delivery scene that was missed by everyone who didn't bother to wait all the way through the end credits. So...again, pretty much everyone.
TOTAL SIN COUNT: 199
Sentence: Entertainment from Fergus
"Elinor: “Your father doesn't believe in magic.” Merida: “Well he should, cause it's true.” Really, Pixar? We're teaching kids that sorcery exists?"
Okay to me as a witch magic does exist, and dude they're kids, let them have an imagination. They're most likely not going to believe in it when they get older